It is going a little choppy over here. I see that t all my self growth work, when faced with family, is at zero. Nothing has changed. All these hours of meditation, therapy, self realizing moments of the truth, love, forgiveness...Nope, non of that...Acceptance, tolerance, more love... Family, being back at home, living so close to 4 other people who know me more than anyone but at the same time who have no idea who I am, is hard...Having no space to breath is hard. Speaking that out loud is hard. Why do I care so much, I don't know...but for some reason, it makes me scream, shout, tear apart, break things when I am not understood. I do realize I don't show any patience at all. Selfish I have to say...Instead of taking a breath, I bake...but this week, it was not very great either. My most amazing chocolate cake, when done with buckwheat flour, is terrible, horrific. I could not even have more than a bite. Tasteless crap. Amazing how nothing goes right, when my mind is crazy in a self pity mode. Get out! So, I need better gluten-free recipes. Help!
So, I have not mastered being the witness of my mind, instead emotions fly in all directions...anger, jealousy, sadness, joy, happiness, fears...Wow, what an opportunity to practice, but I do want to take it slow, it is all happening too fast and I feel really alone in this. Well, we all are alone in our journey but it would have been nice to have some support in the form of a body, or yoga, or music or something else, therapy, a song or a movie...And again, a bad choice...Worst, I watched Issiz adam, a turkish movie, threw me off completely, very real, sad, romantic love story, full of tears, I fell asleep......Tomorrow is a good day, I just need a little bit of sleep.
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