Tuesday, October 26, 2010

inner conversations over tea

After this weekend's yoga workshop, it is clear that my personal work has just started. Sure, I am a nice person. I am kind and loving towards others, especially to people who are also nice to me. That is easy, the real challenge is to have my inner balance throughout any moment, happy or sad, joyful or not... Not only when someone is waiting with a flower in his hand, but when someone cuts my way in a long bank line... What if there is hair in my salad...I'd go crazy-in my mind!!! "how could these people provide such terrible service??" or "i have told the taxi driver to be here at 1:00 and now it is 1:20 and he is not here, how could he do that to me!" My days are filled with these inner conversations, from moment to moment...Me against the world. And sometimes me against me. I just can't get out from bed today...that is just not acceptable, get up and move!!! Who is that saying those things?

I discovered this part of me, through yoga. Yoga practice helps to quiet everything else around, so I can really hear the conversations in my mind. There is a safe place and enough space to tune into what exactly is happening inside. Sometimes it goes like, oh the teacher is adjusting everybody else but not me! Funny little ego waiting for acknowledgement. Underlying this behaviour, I sense an expectation-unmet, not accepting a situation different than what it really is and hence hurt. Even a personal entitlement (I deserve better from the universe!)) I wonder how the relationship of my "kindness" towards others relate to this entitlement. I am questioning what is my authentic kindness, what comes out of fear, what comes out of culture...Can I be loving towards all, unconditionally?

So far, I know that I have a long way to unconditional love. Now, I am questioning myself for integrity and honesty. How do I set boundaries towards people that I don't like, but still be kind and loving towards them...I don't have an answer yet! The only thing I know, I want to speak my truth and I want to keep my integrity of my thoughts, actions and words, towards all. Tough challenge. Oh well, I am a tough girl, as you know!


Anonymous said...

I love you, tough girl! xoxox, christine.

Anonymous said...

you are such a huge inspiration to me and have been for a long time!

hugs from far away.